Throughout a long-term relationship or marriage, it’s perfectly normal for things to feel a little flat. Daily responsibilities, work-related stress, kids, the rhythm of life, and many other factors, can get in the way of that heart-skipping-a-beat feeling you once had for each other. But as we all know, the honeymoon always eventually fades. This begs the question: Is there anything you can do to get that feeling back?
Research shows that people stay in relationships for various reasons. Among those surveyed in one study by the Pew Research Center, 64% stated that having shared interests was important to them; more than half (56%) of married adults said sharing household chores with their spouse was important and 61% stated that a satisfying sexual relationship was also crucial to their marriage (Geiger, 2024).
But even if so, it’s possible for a spouse or significant other to feel more like a roommate, co-parent, or live-in best friend. You may love each other very much, but that’s not always enough to keep the passion alive. This is where clinical practice can provide strategies to rekindle romantic connections. Fostering moments of complete togetherness is essential to restore connection and intimacy.
Recognizing the Signs of Fading Love
Recognizing the signs of fading love is crucial in addressing the issues and taking steps to rekindle the flame in your relationship. Here are some common signs that may indicate your love is fading:
Loss of “The Spark”
The “spark” that once ignited your passion and excitement for each other may start to dwindle over time. This can be due to various factors such as busy schedules, lack of quality time, or simply getting too comfortable with each other. When the spark is gone, it can feel like the romance and excitement have disappeared, leaving you feeling disconnected from your partner. To reignite that spark, try to spend quality time together, engage in new activities, and make an effort to surprise each other.
Complacency
Complacency can creep into any long-term relationship, making you feel like you’re just going through the motions. When you start taking your partner for granted, it can lead to a lack of effort and attention, causing the love to fade. Complacency can manifest in different ways, such as not making an effort to surprise each other, not scheduling quality time, or not showing appreciation for each other. To combat complacency, make a conscious effort to show your partner that you value them. Plan a weekly date night, leave little notes of appreciation, and make time for meaningful interactions.
Mismatched Expectations
Mismatched expectations can put a strain on any relationship. When you and your partner have different ideas about what your relationship should be like, it can create tension and conflict. This can be due to differences in core values, lifestyle, or even long-term goals. When expectations are not met, it can lead to feelings of disappointment, frustration, and disconnection. To address this, have open and honest conversations about your expectations and work together to find common ground. Understanding each other’s core values and long-term goals can help you align your expectations and strengthen your bond.
Feeling Disconnected From Your Partner
Feeling disconnected from your partner can be a significant sign that your love is fading. When you start to feel like you’re no longer on the same page, it can be challenging to reconnect. This disconnection can be due to various factors such as lack of communication, differences in interests, or even feeling like you’re growing apart. When you feel disconnected, it’s essential to address the issue and make an effort to revitalize the connection. Spend quality time together, engage in activities that you both enjoy and try to communicate openly and honestly. By doing so, you can rebuild the connection and fall back in love with your partner.
Recognizing these signs can be the first step towards addressing the issues and reviving your relationship. Remember, falling back in love takes effort and commitment from both partners, but it’s possible to revive the flame and strengthen your bond.
Reinvigorating Your Relationship
If you have not felt a spark in your relationship for a while, try these tips. With a little work and creativity, you can revive your connection and rediscover what made you fall in love in the first place.
1. Work on Improving Your Mood
Sure, it’s easier said than done, but monitoring and improving your mood can result in happiness for your spouse. One study of 5,000 people over 20 years found that happiness is contagious. On the flip side, sadness isn’t as contagious. Therefore, having a happy partner improves your likelihood of being happy by 15% while having an unhappy one lowers your chances by just 7%. In other words, you can add zest to your relationship simply by spreading joy (Fowler & Christakis, 2008).
2. Take a Walk Down Memory Lane
Whether you dust off your wedding photo album, look at old Facebook memories, or pull up photos and videos from past vacations, walking down memory lane can help you remember the good times you’ve had with each other. It’s about remembering why you connected with your partner in the first place. Memories will help with that. And for added incentive as to why you should take a walk down memory lane, consider this: A University of Southampton study shows that happy memories can lead to increased happiness and higher self-esteem (Cheung et al., 2013).
3. Get Physical
While it wouldn’t hurt to try and spice up your intimate life, just reincorporating everyday physical touch can be very helpful. This could be anything from holding hands to a pat on the back. Physical touch is an important human need. Showing your partner you love them and want to touch them can be very powerful.
4. Let Go of Resentments
Everyone has some negative character traits that they need to work on. As a partner, you have a responsibility to let them know what these are while offering advice on how to better themselves in these areas. However, going too far with this and having a chip on your shoulder about everything that happened in the past can rob you of the core love you have for your partner.
All of those bitter feelings will add up over time and cause you to keep them at arm’s length, especially if these feelings aren’t properly addressed. Take a hard look at what is holding you back, let go of resentment, and strive for a more lighthearted approach to their flawed qualities.
5. Be Kind
Simple enough, right? Sometimes in marriage, we forget to be kind. Our negative feelings caused by whatever else is going on in our lives can throw a wrench in our ability to be kind. Research shows that simply being kind and loving to your spouse will contribute to your own happiness and help you feel more in love with them (Smith, 2023).
6. Make a List
Write down what you love about your partner and have them do the same. Do this in private and think about what it is that you adore about them. Take your time and create the list over a series of days if necessary. Once you are finished, give the list to your partner. Sometimes it’s easier to share our feelings through the written word. This has also been proven to be extremely therapeutic.
7. Step Out of the Routine With a Weekly Date Night
Spice things up and go out on a date instead of having another taco Tuesday at home. Meet your partner after work and hit the gym together. Take a Friday off and escape on a weekend getaway. The smallest sidestep from a typical routine can be enough to remind you both just how much fun life is together. Additionally, schedule quality time to intentionally set aside moments for meaningful interactions without distractions, deepening your connection and strengthening your bond.
8. Ask How They Are Doing
Sure, you talk about your day over dinner, but let’s be honest, you’re not getting the full story because you’re not asking the right questions. You need to truly listen to your partner. Instead of asking the same routine ‘how was your day’ question, take a timeout and find out how they are doing both mentally and physically. Asking for something so simple can have a very powerful effect. For example, unbeknownst to you, your partner may be physically drained.
Similarly, your partner may be suffering from depression, which could be hindering the relationship. Showing your support for their mental health is one of the best ways to bring back the spark in a relationship.
9. Randomly Text Them
Let your partner know you’re thinking about them throughout the day. You don’t have to do it every day, but once in a while, a simple “I love you” text can mean the world.
10. Don’t Give Up on Sexual Intimacy
Physical affection is so important to a strong relationship. It produces oxytocin, the neuropeptide, that promotes feelings of bonding, trust, and devotion in the brain (Hertenstein et al., 2009). Stress and busy schedules can already make a person feel distant from their partner, but a lack of intimacy can shatter everything. If you have to, add it to the calendar. Get a babysitter to take the kids out of the house and spend a night in together. Just don’t give up on this. If you feel this is an area you cannot improve on your own, a relationship therapist specializing in intimacy therapy can help couples navigate challenges related to physical affection and emotional disconnect.
11. Do Something New Together
You don’t have to jump out of a plane and go skydiving together. Although, that would certainly be exciting. It could be as simple as enrolling in a cooking class, trying a new restaurant, or even test-driving that Tesla you’ve been dreaming about. New doesn’t have to be extravagant. Think about how special it was when you were dating your partner. Just going out for ice cream was fun. Look for ways to bring those feelings back.
12. Give Back Together
Volunteering for charitable causes together can help you see a side of your partner you never knew, or forgot existed. Whether you clean out cages at the local animal shelter, plant a garden in the community, or serve food at a local food bank, doing good together can help you grow in your relationship and value the other person.
13. Put Down Your Screens
We all spend more time on our mobile devices than we really should. So it’s easy to get stuck staring into your screen during times that you’ve designated to be together. So put your device on silent, or, if possible, leave it at home when you go out. That way you can focus on one another without needless distractions.
14. Meditate
Engaging in meditation has been shown to improve relationships (May et al., 2019). It can help you regulate your mood and become more empathetic, two factors that can be crucial for healthy relationships.
15. Seek Guidance from a Professional
Some people view couples counseling as a last resort; something you only try when the relationship is nearly over anyway. However, a trained professional can help you come out of your slump and successfully reinvigorate your relationship. Couples therapy is an important option for improving relationship dynamics, facilitating open dialogue, and addressing emotional needs between partners. There’s no need to view therapy exclusively as the “nuclear option.” Maintaining connections with your extended family can also enrich personal relationships and contribute to a healthier and more supportive family dynamic.
For those who still see couples counseling this way, one great alternative is connecting with a therapist via an online marriage counseling provider. This will help you access the same level of relationship expertise without the significant cost and time commitment that’s typically required when attending professional couples counseling.
Summary
These are just a handful of ways to add a serious spark to your relationship, but the possibilities are endless. Ultimately, you will need to work for it and work on yourself in the process, ensuring that the balance of efforts is shared between both partners rather than placing the burden on just one partner.
It’s also important to address the faults and irritants related to your other half constructively. Remember, your partner is not the same person they were when you first met; people evolve and change over time. But in doing so, you will not only improve as a person, but you’ll recreate those initial feelings you once had that you still crave to this day, even in a longer-term relationship.
References
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- Cheung, W. Y., Wildschut, T., Sedikides, C., Hepper, E. G., Arndt, J., & Vingerhoets, A. J. J. M. (2013b). Back to the future: Nostalgia increases optimism. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 39(11), 1484–1496. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167213499187
- Fowler, J. H., & Christakis, N. A. (2008). Dynamic spread of happiness in a large social network: longitudinal analysis over 20 years in the Framingham Heart Study. BMJ, 337(dec04 2), a2338. https://doi.org/10.1136/bmj.a2338
- Gallace A, Spence C. The science of interpersonal touch: an overview. Neurosci Biobehav Rev. 2010 Feb;34(2):246-59. doi: 10.1016/j.neubiorev.2008.10.004. Epub 2008 Oct 17. PMID: 18992276.
- Geiger, A. (2024, April 14). Sharing chores a key to good marriage, say majority of married adults. Pew Research Center. https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2016/11/30/sharing-chores-a-key-to-good-marriage-say-majority-of-married-adults/
- Hertenstein, M. J., Holmes, R., McCullough, M., & Keltner, D. (2009). The communication of emotion via touch. Emotion (Washington, D.C.), 9(4), 566–573. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0016108
- May, C. J., Ostafin, B. D., & Snippe, E. (2019). Mindfulness meditation is associated with decreases in partner negative affect in daily life. European Journal of Social Psychology, 50(1), 35–45. https://doi.org/10.1002/ejsp.2599
- Smith, E. E. (2023, February 23). The secret to love is just kindness. The Atlantic. https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/
Amanda is a wellness writer & enthusiast with over 12 years experience writing in the industry. She has a bachelors degree in Creative Writing from NYU. She is certified by the American College of Sports Medicine and the American School of Nutrition & Personal Training. Amanda is also a celebrity publicist.